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Sometimes i can be your sweetest one, but sometimes i'm not your sweetest one. Pray hard. There's two sides of me. I don't have a split personality, even if i do. I would scare you out. I only have my good and bad sides. The postive and negative.

I can really use a wish right now. Why must you hide everything from me? Yes, revealing the truth is indeed hard, but i prefer you to tell me the truth rather than keeping me in the dark until like forever. I'm not your toy.

How i wish i could silently escape from part of your life without yu knowing it and also without hurting this heart. I tried and i tried. I tried over and over again. But i just failed.

I'm leaving this love to you..

Looks like my heart is stubborn. This heart don't want to be owned by anyone else except you. This heart couldn't accept any other guys except you. This heart wouldn't want to be loved by somebody who's different and totally unlike you. I want to fall in love with you.


But, i really don't feel that i deserve your love. Is it me, or is it just too many girls are crazy trying to get you and trying to get you attention? My hearbeat pounding faster and faster whenever i'm with you. Yes, people talk behind us. I know we're not compatible

You're tall, i'm Short.
You're light-skin, i'm dark.
You're skinny, i'm fat.
You're fun, i'm a bore.
You're handsome, i'm not pretty.

Do you agree?

Today is the day. Do you even remember it's our One year and one month anniversary. You're everything that i hope for. All the things on my previous post i wrote it will all my heart. I don't know if you care about today or not. I'm really hurt and dissapointed in you. You put your problems first before me. I'm not even important in your life. Cut it short. You won't listen.

Happy one year and one month anniversary, boyfriend. Iloveyou, you know that. Needn't say much.

"Girl: what do you feel when we kiss?
Guy: your lips on my lips.
Girl: *feeling hurt*"
-Abstract from Teen mom, MTV

What about you Azhar? What do you feel?

I don't know what else to say about this life of mine. It's been going on very miserably. I really hate facing this problem alone. Just solving this problem all alone and noone here to give me that full hope and encouragement. I'm really hurt, both mentally and physically. Life has been really tough. I hurt in every kind of ways.

Physically. I hurt my entire body, mostly the legs and arm bcause i have punishment for coming to school late. And in order to get back my phone and ezlink card that had been confiscated. We have to run 12 rounds aroun the school. They had alrady measure the length, so it is exactly 2.4km. Basically, i don't feel that i'm running 2.4km, it's more than that. Dah phobia, tak nak datang skola lambat lagi la. Then the next day ader NAPFA test. I hurt my arms, Overworked la. Because of that inclide pull up, buat 16 pulak tuhh. grrr. I passed every single tests except for Standing board jump, that i always fail. Don't know why i just can't jump as far as other people. Then the next day. 2.4km run. grrr! Last lap terus pancet seh. Naik and turun tangger pun shivering. fikir balik urh. 3days straight of exercising. chey chey. exercising sehh. My right hand hurts. Kene minyak panas. And it's still red. I even have to write slowly so that it doesn't hurt that much. I'm really careless. I don't even know what i am think of.

Mentally. School getting strict. New school rules were set. Have to strictly followed and obeyed them, there will be punishment if rules are not applied. My brain hurts. My head hurts. Knowledge kept coming in this small brain of mine. I really can't cope. There's just so many things on my mind. I'm really stressed right now. Mid-year is coming, i don't think i had revised that much for mid-year standard. I'm really afraid of failing the important subjects. I can't even cope on Art. Mid year and N level Art clash together. I don't feel there's just enough time to study and do other things for myself.

Many things to do at home. I have to revise school work. Study study study and more study for upcoming test and exams. House chores are not done, it's been like days and i haven't even start folding my clothes. My room is messy right now. Way messier. (Ape english ni?)

Lastly, my problems are never ending. It kept coming.

Azhar, i don't know who i am to you anymore. I really don't know. My heart is really hurt, it's really painful. Yes, i know. I know you think that i'm really useless for you. I kept crying and scolding you. I don't understand you. I tried. I tried with all my might. I leave you alone but you don't search for me. I miss you alot. I don't know what do you treat me as. I'm always the one missing you, do you miss me? I don't want to blame you in this relationship. I know what i did wrong, and you also know what you did wrong. We know where our wrongs and mistakes is. I prayed as hard as i could, Every night and day. I prayed for your safety, I prayed that you would always love and miss me. I prayed that you would message and call me. I prayed that you remember me. I prayed that you would always treat me as the one you really cherised and appreciate most. I prayed that you would settle your family problems as soon as possible. I could only wish, sweetheart. I could only pray. What else can i do? I'm really hurt. You kept saying sorry. There's no trust and bonding between us anymore. You have no time for me, just totally no time. I don't know if the key to my heart is still with you. Or do you throw away that key far far away and deep down into the ocean? You know well that i really love you and i can't stop thinking about you. I can't love anyone as much as i love you. It's just isn't the same. My love are different. How long have we been together, Azhar? How well have you known me? I don't know if you have move your love to other girls. I had always remember those messages you've sent me. Everything seems easy and loving from 15march. But after that one year of being together, i don't know why you've change. I don't know why it's that easy for you to hurt me over and over again. How could you? You have the heart to even lie to me about your whereabouts and life. you don't know how worried sick i am. Where's the connection between us? Something's blocking our way. I can feel the wall between us. It doesn't seem to be broken, our love is not the same anymore. I'm the one who always been sacrificing. I know, you have also done and try your very best. But it's not enough. You need to try harder. One more day, do you remember me? Ever asking about my healt, life, school, family and just how i'm doing? I miss everything about you. Your smile, laugh and voice. Your care and concern towards me. Your understanding. Your honesty. Your calls that i get every night before i went to sleep. Just miss every single thing of it. Your goodnight kisses through the phone. But most of all, i miss how happy i was when i'm with you.

I know deep inside that i would never let you go. My heart would hold on to you. Even when the rain is clear, i know you'll be here. And no matter how we fuss and fight, you should always know that i can't stop loving you. Just no matter how hard i try, this love for you could never fade away. That's why i can't say go. I've tried to tell you goodbye. I never thought someone could make me fall this hard. What am i thinking? You're the first to do that. It's foolish to try, when i know that i just can't survive without you. See through the night, You are my light. Even when we fight i know it's going to be alright. You my heart and soul, i'm just letting you know. I was stupid to think that any love could compare to the love that you gave to me from you.

Maybe i'm that dream girl of your's. She could have been better for you. Seeing you with her doesn't kills me, but what kills me it's that, i wished i could be her. Just ever so perfect in your eyes. I could have been that girl that you love so much. I regret every arguements that we have, all those fights. I know i've hurt you so much. Accuse you of just everything, scolding vulgarities at you. You are mad at me, just say it. I know i'm not the same as her. I regret saying all the horrible things about you. I didn't mean any of it. You know that yourself. I'm just saying that because i was mad. I never had any intentions to hurt you. I know myself well. I'm truly jealous of her.

Will i have the chance to meet you?

God put problems in our life to test for patience. Yes, i know. But it's been a really long time. I tried to be patience. It's just too insane. I never been in this situation before. I don't know how to face this problem of mine right now. You're always saying that you know what you are doing. I try to trust you, it's been such a long time, how am i suppose to trust you fully? Everytime i try to trust you, problmes get in our way.

First was pasal you were in a gang. Second was about you friends. Third was about school. Fourth was about work. Fifth was about you dad. Sixth was about money. Seventh was about handphone.

This is your life. I haven't even talk about meet yet.

Everyone keep advising Sabar Sabar Sabar. Kau kene Sabar. Korang tatawu brape lamer aku sabar! dah banyak kali aku sabar. Does all my patience go to waste? This problem still here, there's nothing i do work. I never get anything in return. I don't know what else i have to do.

Azhar, you never contact me for one day. It's very easy for you. You easily and happily forget about me. I'm the one who is stupid enough to miss you. All this while i love you so much and miss you like crazy and fall sick because of you and cry every night. You didn't know all that. Stop saying sorry, you're sorry would never cure my heart.

I'm really fucked up right now.